Sunday, October 25, 2009
guy ;
you're hurting me .
why are you so cold to me ..
my heart aches with every memory i recall .
my classmates ;
my friends ;
i dont know what i did wrong .
why am i treated like that .
please dont think i dont know anything .
like that day in the toilet ,
it was so obvious you all were talking about me before .
trying to hush it up doesnt work ;
i've already seen through you .
& my heart pains with that thought .
everytime i cry ;
pain surge through my heart ,
breaking it into little pieces .
but everytime my heart heals abit ,
it gets broken again...
i dont know whhats wrong with me .
is it that im too sensitive ,
and imagining things ?
or it is that im such a hateable girl ,
that everyone detests ?
i dont know..
i really dont..
10:45 PM
Monday, October 12, 2009
my heart feels so uncomfortable .
whats this quesy feeling i have ...
am i that bad ?
am i that hateful ?
why do i always seem to make you angry ?
my heart aches ,
you're someone impt to me .
although i might not admit it ,
deep down , im afraid that i'll lose you .
i'll do anything to appease you ,
please ,
dont make me so afraid .
tears keep flowing these few days ,
maybe its all the exam stress and issues ,
but this feeling is one so familiar .
i always feel it before a breakdown .
i must learn not to bottle things up already ..
otherwise , when the bottle is full ,
the pressure is so huge that it'll break..
yes i admit .
boy , i love you .
but im so afraid its another unrequited love .
unrequited love is something i can never stand ,
the longing , pain and fear .
i dont want it again .
why is my life so complicated ,,
life's so hard when i just want things to work out fine .
10:59 PM
Sunday, October 11, 2009
i dont understand me ;
why everytime i read your blog ,
i will start filling up with tears ..
what is wrong with me ..
but i know ,
im sad because of you..
girl ,
you were my everything then ;
when you were sad i cheered you up ,
when i was sad you where there for me ,
but how .
why did things turn out this way ,
i miss you .
i miss you so terribly ..
i know ,
i wasnt impt to you at all .
but please ,
dont tell me that ;
i dont even have a place in your heart .
by now ,
im in tears ,
tears just cant stop .
they just cant stop flowing down .
please tell me i was special ,
i was something you cherished .
please dont let it be the way i deduced it to be .
but deep deep down ,
i know .
i wasnt impt or special .
i was just another person ,
for you to turn to if you're alone .
it breaks my heart ,
even now so long after .
thinking of the times we spent tgt ,
and remembering our fight ,
makes my heart ache & sway like a storm .
tears follow soon aft .
1:18 AM
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
i dont know why .
the more i look at my body ,
the more disgusted i feel .
the thought ; i must lose weight ;
kept appearing in my head .
i dont know how anymore .
i aint eating much .
only breakfast and dinner
but i just cant lose weight without s.i.v .
the lumps , flesh jutting out everywhere .
i cant stand it anymore .
if i dont get rid of it i will get laughed ,
i must get rid of it .
otherwise i will get bullied again .
i dont want tht .
its so scaryy...
i dont know whats happening to me .
i think im going mad .
i cant predict whats going to happen tmr either .
its like i have no control over everything .
im losing myself .
what am i going to do ..
8:21 PM
Monday, October 5, 2009
cold , shivery .
this so familiar feeling i never dared to tell anyone .
i feel so uncomfortable now .
the pain , hurt i've gone through .
why doesnt anyone understand .
im so afraid now ,
so cold , and so tired .
i know people may think ,
shes such a bitch , such a flirt .
keep changing boyfs .
but i just realised ,
i cant live without love .
i cant carry on without support from another .
but i just cant help myself .
sometimes i really hate myself ..
i've not been eating recently too ,
i dont have appetite .
im afraid now ,
that i have both bulimia and anorexia .
i haven been vomiting out my food
but i still have the fear of putting on weight .
fat ,
such a scary term .
to me ,
one more kg added is like doomsday .
it never fails to ruin my day ;
if i put on even half a kg that day .
now , i cant seem to bring myself to eat in school .
but at home i still eat to cover up .
at least i still eat abit .
im afraid tht a day will come that
when i dont want to eat anymore .
i've read up ,
all these are symtoms of anorexia ,
but i dont have an extremely low body weight..
im 48kg now , 155cm in height .
but my weight keeps fluctuating up and down .
so scary .
but yet , i dont have the courage to seek help ..
9:42 PM
