Friday, April 23, 2010
maybe my life is slowly turning better .
not only im recoving from bulimia but im becoming cheerful .
slowly , i find myself smiling more .
i feel muchmuch better .
i promise you ,
i'll never hide anything from you my dear .
you make me feel so secure in your arms .
i dont want to ever leave you .
you make my worries go away ,
fill me up with laughter & smiles .
you're a guy that makes me happy from my heart .
promise me never let me go .
because i wont ever love another guy again .
& slowly im accepting you ,
god , in my life .
and peace reigns in my mind .
god i know you'll always be with me .
in my heart ,
i feel so safe .
because i know you're watching over me .
cleansing all my sins for me .
i pray to you god , & i love you .
nothing bad will happen .
i believe in your grace .
exams are coming .
stress slowly building up again .
i know i'll get over it .
but if i feel this stressed ,
i cant think properly..
my head always hurt this much..
& my mind get all overthinking..
well ,
i'll try .
i'll try to survive .
socially , im not any better .
sometimes i feel that you never wanted me around .
is it that im overthinking or is it real ?
sometimes feeling the coldness around you ,
like a barrier between us..
im an irritating girl right ?
i dont know..
all i know is i dont know what to do anymore ,
how else can i do to make you all accept me .
is accepting me as i am that hard ?
i dont know , it just hurts..
& D ,
i didnt mean to hurt you .
i just dont know how to face you .
meeting you , my mind goes into a whirl .
& i just dont know what to do or say .
i didnt mean to avoid you..
but i know you still like me .
i want to let you know ,
you'll always be my good friend .
but in my heart , i'll only love kenny .
in my life ,
only him .
i dont want my life to be this messed up .
why cant i be like any other girl ,
pretty , confident & smart .
i sometimes just dont get it .
8:10 PM
Friday, April 16, 2010
confusion building uup within me ,
doubts rising like a wave .
breaking & washing over me .
but i know i cant jump to conclusions ,
i must trust you .
i need to .
even if a thousand questions flashing in my mind .
i just hope ,
deep deep down ,
im not wrong this time round .
im tired .
reallyreally cant bear this anymore .
fighting back everything ,
just that i really want something to turn out right .
just this once .
i pray to god ,
just this once..
exams and social problems ,
what is wrong with me !
why cant i be a normal girl living a normal life !
with good friends , fun & a loving family !
i'll go crazy ,
from everything !
my heart's overflowing ,
my eyes tearing .
i didnt want everything to be like this !
but things just always turn out like this .
if i could ,
i wished i wasnt even here on earth .
i dont want to face all these..
its really painful..
my heart ,
cant take so much .
god i pray to you with my soul ,
just this once ,
let me be free of troubles , free of my fears ,
& everything will become better .
everything will turn out right .
please take care of me ,
relieve me of all these pain..
i open my heart to you ,
because i believe in you .
9:38 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2010
im tired D:
reallyreally tired .
only what's making me go on is you .
just you .
so please dont leave me .
cause im falling head over heels with you .
im wondering ,
if i should just let myself love again .
im afraid of getting hurt .
my fragile heart .
can i really trust it to you ?
what if ,
what if you arent true to me ?
i know that i must trust you .
but my past makes me waver~~
holding you tight to me ,
thinking how precious you are to me .
i cant bear to let you go .
but at the same time ,
im afraid that you'll leave me some day .
im starting to love you with my heart & soul .
but slowly stepping closer ,
the fear increasing day by day .
somehow i think i'll try again .
just for you .
i'll try giving you my heart .
school's not being better either .
those cold stares freezes my heart .
but i'll try do my best .
no matter how you all treat me ,
i'll always use my heart to treat you .
even if i know im not always needed or wanted .
even if im always neglected .
im going to try again and again .
no matter how weary my heart is ,
i'll do my best .
i guess im really afraid .
even at home , i feel so alone .
i wonder if i'll ever get the courage to seek help .
although i know the couselling room's door is always open ,
but stepping in is really difficult .
the first step .
i hope someday i'll do it .
i guess .
i might .
stressed out .
grey skies .
only you brighten my day .
10:16 PM
Friday, April 9, 2010
the stress is driving me crazy..
im so tired..
i want to just lie down forever .
i want to face the world with a true smile .
but i cant .
i cant even face myself..
the pressure's on me is really great..
i cant handle it .
as if bricks are weighing me down .
& im drowning..
im breaking .
bit by bit ,
retreating into my shell .
11:56 PM
Monday, April 5, 2010
i dont like this .
i feel unsettled all the time .
and it makes me feel really sick .
coughing all the time , gasping for breath .
soon , i'll be skinny .
i wont have to face the world with my huge unsightly body agn .
i'll be skinny so nobody can judge me any longer .
i hate it when you all judge me .
i know im fat im ugly .
but you dont have to say them behind my back .
its not as if i wont know .
dont worry ,
i'll be thinner than you ,
all of you .
you'll just look out for me .
after all doesnt thin & beautiful always come tgt ?
maybe then , i'll be accepted .
maybe then.. i'll have friends .
i wonder if i'll have anyone to lean on any longer ..
im so afraid to tell anyone my feelings anymore ,
they'll be tired of me ,
always complaining all the time .
always being so insecure that its hilarious .
all these feelings kept deep within me ,
bottling up one upon another .
threatening to break , threatening to unravel .
its like im always on the verge of tears .
its really toturing ,
having this feeling always..
i rather be knocked down by a car ,
than trying to survive another day .
but i cant do that .
my granny'll worry..
she'll be so sad if im gone just like this..
im sure out there ,
someday , no matter how far ,
theres a place for there just for me..
i'll just have to persevere .
i'll get there..
lies .
its all false hope .
im trying so hard .
but nothing turns out right .
its alright .
i wont be hurt again ,
i'll just shut myself in .
build a protective wall around me .
im not going to trust anyone fully ever again .
i can only trust myself .
only me , i cant depend on others .
friends ?
its just a fancy word for people who stick together .
theres no such thing like that .
im going to stop this pain .
by myself , no matter how impossible .
im going to try .
even if i know i wont make it .
i can barely breathe .
8:49 PM
