Saturday, March 20, 2010
is it that im just not pretty ?
or im just not kind enough ?
so many things happening at once,,
im being torn apart .
im breaking .
bit by bit , shattering into pieces .
suddenly im wishing for that day to come .
maybe then i wont be so tired..
i didnt want to be like this either !
this world ,
this huge world ..
is it only slim & beautiful girls can rule ?
why cant we ,
the fat , chubbier & ugly people , have a say ?
does it mean i have to be thin & beautiful before im accepted ?
before i'll ever fit in ?
i know you'll say you never said that .
but every action , every word of yours is screaming that at me !
it hurts .
i'd admit .
i always say i'll ignore you all because it isnt true ,
but deep down im contradicting myself ..
it matters to me what people say ,
i have no either why either..
if being thin and beautiful can make me fit in..
i'll do it..
i'll do anything to be accepted & loved..
because now its like hell to me .
life's tormenting..
from now ,
i vow .
i wont eat ever again .
not until im thin & beautiful .
12:13 AM
Monday, March 15, 2010
you promised .
you promised that you'll always be by my side .
but all these ,
just because of one matter ;
i've angered you , you're not talking to me any longer .
dont you understand the agony i feel ?
when you ignore me ,
theres this pain in my heart ,
you wont even meet my eyes .
i dont want this .
i really need you .
you're the only friend i can really pour out my troubles to .
dont let me know that you're the same as others ;
the others that were only pretending .
i know im a burden ,
i know im irritating .
but all i wanted was true friends .
slowly i could feel my friends drifting away from me ,
is it just me ?
or is that i've done sth wrong ?
please tell me .
just tell me what i have done .
i dont want to be alone .
i dont want to face this world ;
this cold lonely world by myself .
i cant take it .
i'll crumble .,
my heart's aching ,
i didnt mean it .
i didnt mean to make you angry .
gy please forgive me .
please im begging you .
i need you .
my beloved friend .
i really need you .
its getting so cold ,
so cold that i cant take it .
& my heart winces everytime i see you walk by .
9:13 PM
Thursday, March 11, 2010
these few days has been topsy turvy .
Life's so unpredictable right .
Everything changes within a day .
it'll be alright .
Everything will turn out fine one day .
One day ,
the rain will stop & the sun will shine .
For now ,
i'll look at the picture of us & try to fall asleep .
even though i miss you ,
even if tears run down whenever i think of how happy we were ,
i'll try my best ,
to get over you .
but memories of us being happy keeps replaying itself in my mind .
my birthday date , the science centre surprise , the valentines .
i smile as i think of them .
but when the scene plays to the end ,
i realise ,
i'll never be held in your arms again .
I chose to forget you ,
I chose to let our relationship go .
Im sorry but i didnt meant to .
It doesnt mean i dont love you any longer .
Because when i loved you ,
I realised im not as cherished as i thought .
All those broken promises ,
I wonder if you really loved me .
i guess maybe you didnt .
Im sorry ,
i cant keep hurting myself .
i have to leave you .
please take care of yourself , becareful during soccer etc .
i love you .
even now , when i see you ;
my heart still beats a little faster .
8:19 PM
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I cant catch up with life anymore .
Life passes so fast , the pace we're at ;
i cant take it .
the stress all builds up so much ,
breaking me bit by bit .
today's the limit ,
baby i decided to move on by myself .
i've decided to leave you ;
& go back to the starting point alone .
but was i right ?
i dont know .
all i know is i have to be strong ,
pick myself up & continue walking .
i know , but can i do it is another matter .
been so selfconscious , so alone .
all my friends seems so far from me .
a glass wall isolating me..
even now ,
i wonder if im really alone .
i dont fit in at all .
i guess no matter how much i try ,
i only wanted to treat every friend with my best attitude .
but why ?
why doesnt anything get better !
im really lost .
life's going so fast .
im panting , losing energy .
i cant finish this race ,
im tired .
i really am .
darling , i chose to let go .
dont make me regret..
i dont want to ,
stress is really getting to me ,
feelings overwhelming within me ;
threatening to spill out any moment .
i want to give up ,
give up everything in this life .
im really exhausted .
carrying on isnt easy .
the constant pain in me ,
throbbing , reminding me that im a girl ;
a girl who nobody loves .
9:58 PM
Monday, March 8, 2010
im breaking ,
im really streatched to the limit .
people say if you work hard ,
you'll be repaid .
but i dont see it .
tears stream down ,
i finally realised .
we're impossible .
no matter how much i tried ,
no matter how much i cried ,
nothings going to change .
you'll still be the cold distant guy i know .
my boyfriend .
Why does it have to be me ,
i still dont know ;
the jealousy i feel when i gaze at others ,
couples laughing , accompanying each other .
we're so different ,
its like practically im just your girlfriend in name !
what is wrong with us ?
why is everything going wrong ..,
even when i wanted to try giving myself another chance ,
trying to start over with myself .
i cant take it ,
just thinking of breaking up ,
my heart tears itself up .
im just afraid of going back to the starting point alone .
the loneliness overpowering me ,
my heart's getting colder .
& im really really afraid .
8:24 PM
Friday, March 5, 2010
Im feeling so sour ,
i see people so happy around me ,
couples so loving ,
families so close together .
Everyone i know is so blissful ,
but why me .
Why only i have to go through all this pain ?
i haven done anything wrong .
what have i done , heaven ?
what have i done to make you treat me like this ?
Why am i always the different one ?
Why am i always the one being left out ?
All the outings , meetings , dates .
I guess even though i give my all to my friends ,
i just dont mean a thing to you all .
but its hard to face this fact ,
its so tiring to just keep trying and trying ;
when i know i wont succeed .
these hopes of mine always get dashed time and time agn ,
if only i wasnt so hopeful everytime round ,
then i wont be so badly hurt .
i know im not needed ,
i know im the extra one ;
that you all turn to when you all need me .
but please dont make it so obvious ,
it hurts me whenever you all leave me alone .
im still a person , im still a girl .
how do you all know i dont have feelings ?
you all cant understand this constant pain in my heart .
it wont disappear & i think it'll never disappear .
couples so loving ,
but mine ?
i always seem to fall for the wrong guy ,
especially this time round ,
its a jerk , i know that ,
but i fell so hard for him .
its going to hurt i know .
its already hurting ;
the past wounds all reopening ,
each hurting word and sentence ,
cutting the wound deeper .
you never seem to be around ,
you never even cared for me .
this feeling its as though you're not part of my life .
sometimes you walk past without even realising im there ,
you dont even talk or ask me out at all ,
how are we going to carry on like that ?
i know you told my friend ;
you got tgt with me already thinking we wont last ,
if you think this way and not try ,
of course we wont ..
we will never do out best .
i dont want to get hurt ,
even tho i know its inevitable .
but its all my fault ,
for just being me .
lifes so hard to carry on ,
but i'll just try ,
try my best even if i fall a dozen times .
try my best even if i'll never succeed .
try my best even if i'll end up torn & painful .
10:27 PM
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
my heart's hurting so bad ,
its twisting and squeezing .
with every twist & turn , i feel worse .
with all these things happening to me ,
i cant take all these at once .
its like a strong punch to my stomach ,
so painful & suffering .
girlfriend , what have i done wrong ,
i dont understand my mistake .
j told me you felt leftout and jealous ,
just because i talked to him .
please , you know im not flirting with him .
im not even interested in him..
i only wanted him to convey a msg ,
but we got seperated .
why did you get angry over that ?
it makes me sad to know that you're like this .
girl ,
sometimes you always left me alone to talk to others .
sometimes you dont even accompany at all ,
but i didnt complain , i didnt get mad .
i just waited for you .
i dont understand .
am i too tolerating or you're too irritable ?
just now ,
it hurts me when you dont even look at me !
you dont turn when i call you ,
you dont even listen to me..
im such a failure .
im just a bitch ,
a fat , ugly , unsightly bitch that nobody wants .
i know im not as good as you ,
i know im worser by alot , but please dont ignore me .
dont leave me alone .
even dance ,
the tcher said i was so fat that the costume didnt look nice .
i know im fat , i know im ugly .
but why do you all have to comment and everything .
it makes me wince ,
i wonder if im just paranoid ,
but its just painful to compare myself to the other dancers ,
their slim elegant body cant be compared
to my fat ugly shapeless potato body .
i want to give up ,
i want to just let out all my sadness & frustration .
but i dont know how ,
i cant show anyone my this side .
nobody would even talk to me anymore .
but this feeling in my heart is killing me .
And this time ,
Nobody ,
nobody will catch me when i fall .
10:47 PM
