Thursday, September 30, 2010
I dont know what im feeling ,
i feel so alone ,
yet when im with you ;
i should be happy ,
should be embracing you tight .
but somehow i dont feel you in my heart ;
neither do i wish to rush things ,
i know , i dont love you yet .
Maybe , maybe , soon i will .
but until then ,
im going to concentrate on my studies ;
& continue liking you .
Although i feel so alone , so isolated ,
i know i'll be strong ,
i'll get over this .
the sun will shine soon ,
enveloping me in its warmness .
i know everything i do may be fruitless ,
but at least i've tried my best .
& i wont have any regrets .
i'll only take a step at a time .
day by day ,
praying hard the sun will shine soon .
9:34 PM
Monday, September 27, 2010
Yes , its all my fault right ?
no matter what i say it'll be futile ,
because your mind is made up .
Acting strong , is the most tiring thing i've ever done .
but i cant do anything else .
i wont let you see that you've succeeded .
i'll smile happily to show you that im not affected .
but deep down ,
the hurt i've felt ,
is worse than stabbing myself a dozen times .
does this mean you've never knew me all the time ?
we were friends for so long ,
was it just superficial ?
i thought i knew you , i thought i could believe in you .
i thought you were my friend .
but just a misunderstanding ,
a few lines from her ,
you turned away from me ,
without even giving me a chance to explain .
im not sad ,
im just way disappointed in you .
although i felt like doing horrible things to you ,
i wont stoop to your level and do those childish things .
Fml manzxc .
10:11 PM
Friday, September 24, 2010
Its happening time and time again ,
the same feeling ,
the feeling of always being alone & uncared for .
10:53 PM
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
i edited the lyrics of taeyang's wedding dress .
When you have a fight with her ,
Sometimes you cry ,
And feel sad and blue .
I become hopeful .
My heart aches secretly ,
Then just a hint of your smile ,
Can make me feel fine again .
To keep you from figuring out how I feel about you ,
Coz then we would drift apart .
I hold my breath, bite my lips .
Oh, please leave her and come to me .
Baby, please don’t take her hand ,
Coz you should be mine .
I’ve been waiting for you for so long,
Please look at me now .
When the music starts ,
You will vow to spend ;
The rest of your life with her .
How I prayed every night ,
This day would never come .
You never knew how I felt about you .
And I hated you so ,
Sometimes I wished you would be unhappy .
Now I have no more tears left to cry ,
When I’m by myself I talk to you like you’re here .
I’ve felt so restless every night ;
Maybe I’ve known all along this would happen .
I close my eyes and dream an endless dream ,
Please leave her and come to me .,
Please be happy with her ;
So that I can forget you .
Please forget how miserable I looked ;
It’s going to be unbearably hard for me ,
For a long while to come .
9:57 PM
i hate being abandoned .
i dislike being left hanging .
couldnt you just tell me straightforwardly ?
cant you just say you didnt want to ?
so what ?
just say it !
say that you didnt want to go out with
an ugly , stupid , fat diliked girl !
everyone's like that .
i've been hated , avoided ;
ever since i was young .
now all i can do is hide behind my books .
just study study & study .
yes , i know you all talk behind my back .
it hurts but i just choose to ignore it .
im just a huge big fool that everyone make use of .
but everytime i pour out my feelings here .
i get colder & emptier within .
9:32 PM
Monday, September 6, 2010
i didnt want to seem like a burden .
i didnt want to become an annnoyance .
but i only wanted someone ;
that i can share my thoughts & feelings with .
someone that i dont have to hide my true self within .
that i can let go of my mask .
perhaps i can only confide in here .
hidden away from the world .
away from my family as well .
hurting them is the last thing i'd wish .
maybe i'd stay the coward i am .
how could i ever tell them ,
im a girl nobody wants ,
someone everyone avoids and hates ?
they'll be sad for sure .
hiding behing my lies ,
i wonder how ugly it'll get when my mask is exposed .
my scars ,
my lies & hurt .
i'll never want it to be shown .
its not i dont want to ask about it .
its that i'd rather not know .
im afraid of what i might hear .
im afraid that my wounds will get deeper .
10:05 PM
Saturday, September 4, 2010
i couldnt breathe ,
i couldnt laugh .
i froze as i read the message sent .
' i cant believe that you took her as a substitute
for me . If you ask her then she sure confirm let you
touch de . cause shes a damn downright slut . '
so it meant that our friendship never happened ?
just because of a normal fb post ,
just because i talked to your ex that you dumped ,
i didnt even flirt with him as you said .
i was just talking , joking like all friends do .
and then you're like this .
i dont know what else to say .
i've always let you have your way .
but you've gone overboard..
why girl ?
you're so busy chasing after so many guys .
letting so many other guys touch you ,
why dont you call yourself a slut ?
i dont know what will happen .
but i know for sure ,
even if we're friends again .
we wont be as close .
11:54 PM
Friday, September 3, 2010
Its just a lie ,
why did i ever think that im fine now ?
that all will be fine with just a smile .
im just decieving myself ,
because the truth's too much to bear .
theres not a single person who really truly knows me .
theres not a person i can turn to ,
because im someone they'll get tired of .
im just someone people treat like a toy ;
only when you're all alone ,
i'll be seen , i'll be talked to .
i dislike my life ,
because things are so complicated .
Everytime i find a new road to walk ,
something will come & block my way .
how hard i tried to overcome it ,
its useless .
yes , im problematic .
yes , im irritating ,
im fat , ugly , stupid & all things people hate .
someone people wont give a second thought about .
i wonder if i really meant sth to anyone .
if i was ever needed & important .
cause its just so tiring ,
staying barely afloat but with nothing to lean against .
you pack your bags & walk away ,
leaving me behind .
yeah its fine ,
since im just someone always chasing aft people .
i wonder if anyone will realise ,
that i've been hiding myself in .
never showing my feelings out because ,
im afraid .
im scared if i do that , i'd be laughed at .
pointed & critisized .
its still a constant nightmare .
maybe i'll walk out of this shadow one day .
but maybe ,
i'll remain like this for the rest of my life .
because the only person i've ever opened my heart to ,
is not here any longer .
i dont even want to speak about my family .
yeah , i laugh i joke .
i play the fool .
but they've never seen the other side of my mask .
they've never seen how many tears i shed in secret .
i never had a shoulder to cry on .
or someone to rest on .
this is a fact that wont ever change .
8:01 PM
Saturday, August 28, 2010
why do i feel this way ,
although im laughing & joking around .
fooling around , making people smile .
but somehow theres a unexplainable emptiness within ,
like sth's missing , sth's wrong .
i dont know what is wrong .
what happened to me ?
inside i feel so numb ,
have i become so unfeeling ?
so robotic , like i cant be truly happy .
my life's upside down .
its just that i never posted in this blog ,
cause there'll be many many posts .
its so hard to act as always ,
cause i know ,
in the end ; i'll still be alone .
i'll forever remain alone & outcasted .
simply always commenting stuff like ;
' lets just ignore her '
' if you do that we'll all shun you '
how do you think i felt ?
how much do you understand ?
i feel so uneasy ,
i struggle to stay afloat ,
my heart trying to keep beating .
but its so tiring ,
always being without a shoulder to lean on to .
without anyone to share my problems .
sometimes even when im down ,
i try to convince that im happy .
i'll smile ,
put that mask over my face .
& try to face this cruel world for another day .
i wont cry ,
i wont yell out loud .
but deep down ,
my wounds are getting deeper .
10:22 PM
Friday, July 16, 2010
grey clouds covered the blue sky..
all the laughter gone .
i look around ,
everyone's gone , im the last one here .
i laugh a wavery laugh ,
before breaking down into tears .
this feeling , isnt it so familar ?
feeling of being abandoned ,
feeling of being hated .
oh so real..
im lost again ,
i dont know where to turn ,
i dont know how to go on .
the familar wetness on my face ,
tears flowing down the same contours .
i hate being so weak ,
so uncontrollable .
getting hurt this easily , i never allowed it .
i thought i never let myself like you .
i thought i made myself not to like you .
but it seems like ,
i've fallen for you unknowingly .
otherwise , how come this pain strikes my heart .
when i heard you've stop waiting for me ,
& you got a girl ?
but its better like this .
i wouldnt be hurt .
i wont be hurt even more .
is this right ?
being so afraid of getting hurt that i dont want to try .
being so fearful that i rather hide ?
i dont know..
i just feel so overwhelmed by my emotions ,
so out of control ..
i hate faking a smile ,
telling the world im alright .
smiling , laughing without a care in the world .
its all fake .
and nobody can tell .
hidden behind a wall ,
protecting myself .
Wallowing in a pool of tears & pain .
10:19 PM
